Jekyll and Hyde


I’m healing dammit!

Drinking tea,

Meditating,

Therapy,

Learning to notice and let go,

Frustration,

Anger,

Doubt,

I want to scream,

Scrubbed my bathroom with bleach,

Feeling ill,

Drank tea,

Painted a mural,

Therapy group thinks I’m too nice,

Got my feelings hurt, boohoo,

Everything hurts my feelings,

I want to scream!

Frustrated,

I want to cry,

Store manager following me into toy aisle while shopping for my son,

Hovering,

My cheeks are hot,

He loudly talks to my breast about their better stocked toy aisle,

I’m quiet,

Too quiet,

I notice, I let go,

Leaving store he winks and bellows, “If you were my woman we’d never leave the bed.”

My cheeks are hot.

I smile a stupid smile and leave.

I guess being shy and having boobs means I’d screw him.

Why didn’t I say something?

Anything?

What a wuss.

I probably made him think I was interested.

Dammit.

Notice and let go.

All the amazing comebacks flood my mind when I leave. 

Growl.

Where were you 5 minutes ago?

My feelings are hurt.

Everything hurts my feelings.

The women in my newly joined book club are bashing and belittling the book they highly praised and recommended just last week,

The book that seems to be the only thing that is helping me in this stupid therapy group,

They are like annoying squawking birds,

“Who talks like this?”

“I mean, really, who lives like this?”

“I’m just not seeing it.”

“This book is such a bore.”

I’m quiet. I internalize.

I always internalize.

Dammit.

Everything they say is an internal stab.

I get my feelings hurt.

Everything hurts my feelings.

I just want to rip their heads off!

I want to scream, “Say something good and beneficial or I’ll rip your freaking heads off!”

I breath in, I breath out,

I notice, and let go,

I drink tea,

I collect the tea tags with inspirational quotes, 

Can’t bear to throw them away,

They mean something, dammit!

I’m way too sensitive.

What a freaking softy.

Pull it together dammit!

I’m growling inside,

Internal parts of me feral.

I’m crying inside,

Emotions are an intense whirl.

I laugh at how clean my bathroom is.

I’m losing it.

I’m healing dammit!

            Ash

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36 thoughts on “Jekyll and Hyde

  1. You’re not too sensitive, your choking on al the things you aren’t saying. Get rid of the book club and find people who think the way you do. Call the store and report the man who sexually harassed you. If you don’t act on the things you want to say, you’ll always feel the way you do now, you’ll want to scream. It might be hard at first but it gets easier with practice, believe me. Don’t hold things in. You have things to say, important things…say them. Tell the icky people you liked the book and it’s too bad THEY can’t see what the meaning of the book is. Don’t be afraid to stick up for yourself and you’ll attract different kinds of people and you’ll feel better and stop beating yourself up about all the things you LET GO. Internalizing things will make you sick. Be brave. If people don’t like the new you…that’s a sign you’re doing something right because they are making you be silent.

    Liked by 1 person

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